Complete Guide to the Piratical Mary Sue, Abridged
by Piratical Radical
Summary: A collection of condensed plots with enough twists, turns, and surprise long-lost relations to fill a proverbial barrel of cursed monkeys.
1. The LadyPirate

The Complete Guide to the Piratical Mary Sue, Abridged  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
A collection of condensed plots with enough twists, turns and surprise long- lost relations to fill a proverbial barrel of cursed monkeys. Not for the faint of heart, and certainly not for those who will take it seriously.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
The author would like to state that this is all in good fun. She would like to repeat: this is all in good fun. And she will now write it out one more time, just so everyone's on the same page: this is all in good fun. She has in no way based this off any one particular story, they are just generalizations within the fandom. She hopes you get a good laugh and your day has been brightened in some way. .  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~Chapter 1: The Lady-Pirate~  
  
Strong, though there is always a touch of the feminine hiding somewhere in her male-clothed heart. She fights for truth, justice, and er....booty.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
MARY SUE: I don't want to be a lady.  
  
JACK: Why not become a pirate? Every respectable woman is doing it nowadays. It's the latest craze.  
  
MARY SUE: Could I join your crew? You have such a large...ship.  
  
GIBBS: Heavens, no. Dreadful bad luck to have a-  
  
JACK: Quiet, man! Can't you see she is ravishingly beautiful and mysterious?! No doubt she will have a major effect on the upcoming plot. Think of the wild se---gold! Think of the gold!  
  
GIBBS: Aye.  
  
JACK: Not to mention the tragic past that led her to rebel against the constraints of a such a corset-imposing, mad, mad world. She'll break down eventually and cry all over my shoulder. I'll look surprised, of course, then sad or enraged as needed. It will give me a chance to prove I am both a good listener and damn sexy.  
  
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy. Rarp.  
  
MARY SUE: Wow, being on a pirate ship is so fun!  
  
JACK: Yes, who ever knew pillaging and wreaking destruction on otherwise innocent people could be so invigorating? Savvy?  
  
MARY SUE: Total savvy.  
  
JACK: I've put up with you for almost a week. Do you love me yet? Or at least have a crush that you're trying very hard to hide? I could work with that.  
  
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. I love you! How did you know?  
  
JACK: I'm damn sexy.  
  
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Rarp. Damn Sexy.  
  
MARY SUE: Is that a ship on yonder horizon?  
  
GIBBS: Aye. A very fast and plot-moving ship. It must be after the woman!  
  
JACK: No it's not. I was just about to score.  
  
PIRATE: Why else would they be after us? It's not like we're wanted men.  
  
JACK: Right. Hoist the main sails! Tie down that flap! Three quarters to starboard! Nautical jargon!  
  
MARY SUE: Jack, I've changed my mind. I don't love you. And to prove it, I will now insult you by making references to all the other women you fool around with.  
  
JACK: My roguish charm never fails! There must be some tragic figure from your past that threatens our eternal happiness sailing the three seas. Either that, or you saw me and Mr. Cotton's parrot together, but I swear it was his idea-  
  
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: Die!  
  
MARY SUE: Stand back, I'll deal with him.  
  
JACK: Yes, better let the professional handle it.  
  
MARY SUE: With my expert swordsmanship in three spheres of fencing that I picked up after one week of grueling training and naughty innuendo involving swords, I will slay you.  
  
TRAGIC FIGURE FROM PAST: I am slain!  
  
MARY SUE: Oh, the angst of it all!  
  
WILL: I'll comfort you!  
  
JACK: Oh, like that remotely fits into the story-  
  
MARY SUE: Will, my truest of true loves!  
  
~Five bottles of rum later~  
  
MARY SUE: You were right, Jack, he was a eunuch. A hot eunuch, but one who could not fulfill my need for a passionate love scene.  
  
JACK: Excellent, now I believe I was about to comfort you in your angst- riddled despair.  
  
MR. COTTON"S PARROT: Angst -riddled despair. Rarp.  
  
MARY SUE: Mr. Cotton's Parrot, you understand me like no other!  
  
~Five bottles of rum later~  
  
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You were right. He was a parrot. I give up. Who on this whole ship can I love?  
  
JACK: For the love of bad eggs, woman! Can you not see the unseen forces that drive us together? Did you not read the summary?  
  
MARY SUE: You know me too well. I can't bear another chapter without you. Take me now!  
  
JACK: I will now jump wildly out of character for the remainder of this story, so that I may better fit the author's ideal of love.  
  
GIBBS: Pardon, sir, but were you ever in character?  
  
JACK: Avast, Gibbs. All by my Onsies, don't you know, Luv. Shiver me timbers, Savvy?  
  
GIBBS: My mistake.  
  
JACK: Arg.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
FIN  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
A/N: Testing the waters: Continue? Not continue? Feedback welcome and appreciated. 


	2. The Replacement Elizabeth

.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~Chapter 2: The Replacement Elizabeths~  
  
When the heroine stands between the hero and his true love, there is only one acceptable solution: bump her off. Throw in some cursed pirates and the audience will never miss her.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
WILL: Alas. Elizabeth has died in a terrible sailfish fishing accident. If only I hadn't been nancing about as a pirate, I would have been here to break it off properly, as our relationship was clearly doomed. But the lure of the sea was just too great.  
  
SEA: You can't resist me.  
  
WILL: Oh, who will convince me that I was too good for her and otherwise trample on her memory?  
  
MARY SUE: Hello Will, who has known me since birth, thus establishing an unbreakable bond of friendship. Why do you look so happy?  
  
WILL: Elizabeth has kicked the bucket. For the sake of our budding romance, she will never be mentioned again except when highlighting her many character flaws.  
  
MARY SUE: How convenient, let us go away to sea.  
  
JACK: You rang?  
  
WILL: It's Jack, my comedic foil. What brings you back to the place where they tried to hang you twice?  
  
JACK: I'm dying from scurvy.  
  
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack, you are ever so comical. Look out, it's Norrington! He will surely be after you.  
  
NORRINGTON: Nobody told you? I'm apparently incompetent and blind as a bat. Feel free to walk about in broad daylight and engage in felonious activities. Oh, and Port Royal has been renamed to the far more appropriate "Port Pirates-R-Us". Carry On.  
  
WILL: I feel so much more amorous now that we have left Port Pirates-R-Us behind.  
  
MARY SUE: It's only you and me now.  
  
JACK: And me.  
  
PIRATES: And us.  
  
MARY SUE: I feel a chill of supernatural origins.  
  
WILL: Could it be from the necklace that you keep around you neck and have suspensefully avoided mentioning until just this moment to add to the high drama of when it is finally revealed?  
  
MARY SUE: I'll avoid that question by turning my back and gazing at the stars.  
  
WILL: There's a ship in the distance! How rare it is to see ships on the ocean, this must have something to do with a curse and necklace that in no way reflects the movie.  
  
GIBBS: It's The Other Black Pearl! It's even rattier than ours and is crewed by the damned who thought they were un-cursed, but turned out to be doubly cursed! This is in no way related to the movie!  
  
WILL: Who captains such a ship?  
  
JACK THE MONKEY: Eee. Eee.  
  
GIBBS: Look at his incredibly ostentatious hat! He must be a commodore at least!  
  
MARY SUE: In all the commotion of trying to avoid being captured, I have been captured.  
  
JACK: Unhand her at once.  
  
WILL: Your flair for the comedic is appreciated, Jack, but I will have to ask you to step back into your role as witless sidekick. It's my time to shine.  
  
JACK THE MONKEY: Eee. Eee. Eee  
  
WILL: Sod off, monkey breath.  
  
JACK THE MONKEY: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
MARY SUE: This would probably be the best time to reveal my excessively detailed past. [Edited for excessive detail]...And that is why my pinky finger has the power to read minds.  
  
ELIZABETH: I have returned to complicate matters. There was no terrible sailfish fishing accident. Prove your love to me or I shall raise a fuss.  
  
MARY SUE: He loves me now. Go parley someone who cares.  
  
ELIZABETH: Bring it on!  
  
WILL: Elizabeth, please. You cannot compare to her. She exhibits all the passionate and rebellious qualities you painfully lack. In addition, she was a governor's daughter that was formerly engaged to a high-ranking member of the Port Pirates-R-Us navy. The necklace she has is the key to a sexy and dangerous backstory involving cursed monkeys. So you see, you and her are leagues apart.  
  
ELIZABETH: Well that is both reasonable and highly plausible. I will attend the wedding and smile frequently to show I approve. And if Norrington attends, I will fall madly in love with him as some sort of consolation.  
  
MARY SUE: Jack, turn the ship around.  
  
GIBBS: Jack died from scurvy, miss. He would have said something, but your past was such a riveting tale he couldn't bring himself to interrupt. He wanted you to have the Black Pearl because of the unspoken connection you shared.  
  
WILL: Don't cry, my sweet. We will lay him to rest on land, the only place he felt truly free and alive. He would have wanted it that way.  
  
JACK THE MONKEY: Ee. Eee?  
  
WILL: I do.  
  
JACK THE MONKEY: Ee Eee?  
  
MARY SUE: I do.  
  
CITZENS OF PORT PIRATES-R-US: Huzzah!  
  
DOUBLY CURSED PIRATES: Huzzah!  
  
NORRINGTON: Give into the power of the wig.  
  
ELIZABETH: Only if you stop saying that.  
  
NORRINGTON: Huzzah.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
FIN .  
  
.  
  
.  
  
A/N: The author would like to add that she was incredibly happy that people took the time to give her feedback. It made her day ^-^ Now that she had experienced the sweet, sweet addictive power of reviews, she would be ecstatic to receive more. .  
  
.  
  
An extra big thank you to Arwen Lune, CyberKath, Neveradullmoment, Yakkik, Seren and Electric Banshee. .  
  
She hopes you enjoyed, please let her know how you liked it! 


	3. The Wench of Tortuga

.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
~Chapter 3: The "Wench" of Tortuga~  
  
Apparently, prostitution is a one-way ticket to adventure on the high seas.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
JACK: Ah, Tortuga. How I have missed your taverns, brothels, cathouses, massage parlors and bordellos. Ladies, it's amazing how much more skanky you look in the light of day and the harsh reality of sobriety.  
  
WENCH1: I slap you.  
  
WENCH2: I slap you.  
  
WENCH3: I slap you.  
  
WENCH4: I slap you.  
  
GIBBS: Only four? That's hardly womanizing. You need to kick it up a notch, sir.  
  
JACK: Right. I'll see how many chicks I can successfully woo before the fifty-seven cases of rum are loaded on board. That should reestablish my tarnished reputation and endear me to women everywhere.  
  
MARY SUE: Help, help! I am a prostitute being propositioned by a man for sex!  
  
JACK: How depraved! You ill-manner swine, leave that misguided strumpet alone!  
  
DEPRAVED ILL-MANNERED SWINE: But she asked me if I-  
  
JACK: No, you shall not harass this floozy any longer. Go back to the barn in which you were no doubt raised and leave the trollop to wallow in her own self-pity at once!  
  
MARY SUE: At last, someone who sees past my revealing clothing, cleavage, ample curves, perfect ringlets of hair, enhancing makeup and gaudy jewelry. Let me bat my eyelashes suggestively to reinforce my seductive allure.  
  
JACK: Even though I am on the prowl, I will ignore you because your fiery spirit threatens my masculinity.  
  
MARY SUE: Can't I go with you? I'll buy you rum for your services in a poignant yet hilarious role reversal.  
  
JACK: Well, usually I don't allow random tarts on the Floating Harem, I mean the Black Pearl, but seeing as I've been completely manipulated, I'll make an exception. I'll ask you how you can be useful while wagging my eyebrow suggestively.  
  
MARY SUE: How could I, a prostitute on a ship full of sex-crazed pirates, ever be useful? Oh, I know! I could be the ship's cook! All women can cook, it's genetic.  
  
JACK: That's the ticket. And just to make it more interesting, you'll pose as a boy posing as a middle-aged pirate, who is concealing himself as a prostitute from Tortuga. Then no one will dare threaten your virtue, which you cherish above all.  
  
MARY SUE: Instead of making my own money, I will now have to answer the beck and call of every man on this ship for table scraps. This is a life all women would envy.  
  
JACK: You make a mean shrimp scampi, which has coincidently reminded me of your Past, which I think about constantly. When we return to Tortuga, I will find the milkman that forced you and your twelve sisters into the bordello and give him a stern talking to. Then you will be free to sleep with men for no pay and eek out a meager living working for whoever would be sleazy enough to hire a woman such as yourself.  
  
MARY SUE: I'm so happy I could make a salted-pork fondue.  
  
JACK: As tasty as that sounds, my dear painted woman of the night, it will have to wait until the denouement. I smell evil. Feel the tension and suspense rise in your tender heart.  
  
MARY SUE: What could be more evil than my Past? Surely it is swimming towards us right now, just waiting to rain on my parade.  
  
EVIL PAST: I make girls cry.  
  
JACK: No, what I sense is something far worse. He is a member of the navy that actually enforces the law and jails pirates on just cause.  
  
MARY SUE: How horrible! Do give us a few anecdotes to round out the two- dimensional characterization of evil.  
  
JACK: Gladly. He eats baby seals and the hearts of kittens for breakfast. He once pushed an old woman down the stairs for wishing him a happy St. Swevin's Day. He even proposed to Elizabeth Swann.  
  
MARY SUE: No!  
  
JACK: I fear so, my aptly disgusted tramp. Evil, thy name is Norrington.  
  
MARY SUE: His dastardly ship floats between us and adventure. Whatever shall we do?  
  
NORRINGTON: Too late, I'm afraid. I took advantage of the exposition to sail up beside your boat and aim all of my forty cannons directly at your head. Because I am so bad to the bone, I won't even give you a trial. Prepare to die.  
  
MARY SUE: Wait! Perhaps I could offer you myself or some tasty stew to spare us.  
  
NORRINGTON: Stew, you say? Does it have the blood of an innocent lamb in it?  
  
JACK: Go for the eyes! It's the source of his unholy power!  
  
STEW: My meaty goodness scalds you!  
  
NORRINGTON: Sweet merciful devil from which I was spawned, she scalded me!  
  
MARY SUE: Take that, justice system! People will no longer be accountable for their crimes!  
  
NORRINGTON: My eyes! My cold, unfeeling eyes! Everybody back to the boat. We will sail away and give them a feeling of security as they cheer our wussy retreat.  
  
MARY SUE: Oh, Jack. You taught me even a prostitute can make a stew and scald people. Now I'll go back to Tortuga and start an academy of culinary arts for women who want to sneak aboard pirate ships.  
  
JACK: Empowering women is life's one true reward. Give us a slap, love.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
FIN  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
A/N: Just reminding, this is meant as a fun bit of humor and does not intend to make anyone self-conscious about their stories. Written only to make you smile and hopefully laugh ^-^  
  
A long-overdue thank you to The Hopus for giving this and the previous chapters a sanity check.  
  
An enormous thank you to Sarah G, Neveradullmoment, Juliet Norrington, Cass (Point taken ^_~), celebelai, PirateAngel, MaRySuEHaTeR, crazy llama ( not bashing, just poking fun ^-^), Seren, erf, Sereture, Meg2, wyte- tygre (Indeed it shall be ^-^), Kayden Eidyak, and FireValkyrie.  
  
The response was completely overwhelming and made the day so much brighter and was very motivating^-^ Thank you so much!  
  
Feedback welcome and appreciated. 


End file.
